Judgment and the mommy wars
Jen at Buddha Mama has a thoughtful new post about The Consequences of Choice. In it, she writes:
"In general, I’m not trying to make the world do it my way. But if there is no validity to making choices and having opinions (and in occasionally stating such), then why make choices? If I thought your choices were just as good as mine, why would I make any of the choices that I am making (from stay-at-home parenting to co-sleeping to homeschooling, etc.)? If any of my opinions disagree with your own, then how can I not think that I am doing what I feel to be right?"
This struck me as a deeply important question, because it’s at the heart of what is sometimes called the "mommy wars." Almost all parents believe that they are making the right choices, doing the best they can for their children. Does that inherently mean that other parents, who make different choices, are doing the wrong thing? If so, can we ever find common ground?
For many parenting choices — including such significant choices as at-home parenting v. child care, whether and how long to breastfeed, co-sleeping v. crying it out, how much television to permit — I truly believe that there isn’t a single right choice for all parents and all children. Parental and child personality, family expectations, health conditions, economic circumstances, all come together in different ways to result in different outcomes.
At the same time, I’m not going to say that I think all parenting choices are equally valid. Whether reading my email lists and various blogs, or watching people with their kids on the subway, I often see people treating their children in ways that I think are short-sighted, selfish, lazy, or downright wicked.
But I keep my opinions to myself, unless someone explicitly asks for them. (I’ve never been in the position where I felt that a child’s safety was threatened by my inaction.) I am constantly amazed by the number of people who feel compelled to share their opinions on everything from what babies are eating to how warmly they’re dressed. In Carolyn Hax’s online chat last Friday, she responded to a woman who stated that she has become a "pariah" in her town for choosing to keep the baby she is carrying as a result of having been raped. That’s not a choice I can imagine making. But I also can’t imagine what would compel someone to make that woman’s life one bit harder than it already is.
I honestly don’t understand what their motivation is. Do they really think that someone’s choice regarding such an intimate decision is going to be changed by the unsolicited advice of a stranger on the street? Or are they just making themselves feel virtuous and competent by finding someone who is struggling to compare themselves to?
The opposite of judgment is empathy. I can glare at the mom with the screaming baby on the metro or I can play peekaboo and try to distract the child. I can judge the young parents of Random Family for having too many kids, too young, and for not being willing to put their kids first. Or I can try to imagine the gaping holes in their lives, and how desperate they are to be loved.
Like Jen, I don’t always succeed at being non-judgmental, but I do think it’s worth trying. Because when I step outside of my judgment long enough to view the world from someone else’s perspective, I always learn something, even if I don’t change my mind.
December 21st, 2004 at 11:38 am
This is a wonderful post. Like you, I think I am making the right decisions… for MY children and MY family. I don’t think those decisions are cookie cutter right for all children and all families. We don’t always make the right decision. Parents make mistakes just like kids do. This was a really good blog. I am saddned by what people are doing to the woman who has chosen to keep her baby.
December 29th, 2004 at 1:49 pm
Nice comments. Like you, I try not to be overtly opinionated in public and I don’t tell other people what to do, just what works for us. What I’m struggling with is when my actions (breastfeeding, cosleeping, etc.) or simple statements get taken for judgments. You know, I think I need to write another entry on this. 😉
January 9th, 2005 at 8:58 pm
I really think much of the motivation for unsolicited advice is insecurity — those giving it feel insecure or defensive about their own choices. Happy, peaceful people don’t try to control others. This is true for me — my over-the-top homeschooling posts were made when I was either trying to justify my position or rail at the world for feeling so strange and out of it. Then again, there is also simply newbie exuberance — people who are genuinely excited and want to share their great ideas. This may account for a lot of new parent advice. I think the longer you parent, the more you sort of get away from that feeling of wanting to share.