How I do it
In her comment on my post about my tri, Trishka wondered: "I don’t know how you manage to do all that you do — work full time, have two small children, volunteer, and to train for a triathlon on top of it."
The short answer is that I do it by not trying to be perfect at any one of the things I do, let alone all of them, and with a lot of help from my husband*. This doesn’t strike me as that radical a concept, but it occurred to me that maybe it is. In her comment on Landismom’s open letter to moms who have left the paid workforce, Mary Tsao wrote: "I couldn’t do the crazy busy lifestyle anymore. I didn’t feel I was doing any of my jobs (mom, wife, worker) to the best of my ability."
I’m willing to admit that I’d probably be better at my job if I didn’t have as much else going on in my life. I’d do more reading in the evenings and more travelling. And I wouldn’t have afternoons where I just found out that the principal of my kid’s school resigned and spend half my time emailing around to try to learn more. I don’t think I could love my kids more than I do, but I could be less frazzled, have more time to spend in their classrooms or just hanging out, bake cookies more often.
But I don’t think I’m short-changing either my boss or my kids. At both work and home, I feel like I’ve got a good grip on what’s necessary, what’s nice, and what’s icing on the cake. (For example, in this household, reading a story at bedtime is necessary; a bath every night is icing on the cake.) And I’ve got enough flexibility at both ends, that I’ve never felt like I’ve had to sacrifice something that’s necessary, and often — although not always — get to do the nice things too.
Running provides a good analogy. I know that I’m a far better runner when I run 20 miles a week than when I run 5 or 10. And I’m a better runner when I run 40 than when I run 20, but the improvements are more subtle, and only really matter if I’m trying to set a personal record or to qualify for Boston. And above about 50 miles a week, additional training becomes counterproductive — my body starts to protest, and there’s a real risk that I’m going to injure myself.
There are people who are happy focusing all their energy in one part of their life; I’m just not one of them. Barbara Sher calls people like me "scanners" and has a new book out called "Refuse to Choose! A revolutionary program for doing everything that you love." For years, I’ve been carrying around two quotes from Composing a Life, by Mary Catherine Bateson:
"Composing a life is a little like making a Middle Eastern pastry, in which the butter must be layered in by repeated folding, or like making a samurai sword, whose layers of differently tempered metal are folded over and over."
. . . and this:
"It would be easier to live with a greater clarity of ambition, to follow
goals that beckon toward a single upward progression. But perhaps
what women have to offer in the world today . . lies in the very rejection of forced choices: work or home, strength or vulnerability, caring or competition, trust or questioning. ""We see achievement as purposeful and monolithic, like the sculpting
of a massive tree trunk . . . rather than something crafted from odds
and ends, like a patchwork quilt, and lovingly used to warm different
nights and bodies."
*Amended to acknowledge, as Laura pointed out, that I also get an enormous amount of support from T, who is at home with the kids. I was not meaning to downplay his role in keeping this family going, or to suggest to anyone who feels that she’s in over her head that the problem is her perfectionism. I recognize that with special needs kids, inflexible jobs, or lack of family support, something may well have to give. I wrote this post because I’m fascinated by how hard it is to admit that doing lots of things means that I’m often not doing the best at any of them. And in particular by how hard it is to let go of the idea of being the "perfect mother" — even when there’s another parent at home. This may deserve a post of its own.
September 5th, 2006 at 9:40 am
This might be a radical notion after all. I think that we’re just coming off of the “Super Mom” phase when the message was that we as women could do it all and do it all perfectly. However, I think that we’ve all found that life doesn’t work that way (even those of us not juggling kids with work, volunteering, etc.) It’s been a long process for me to let go of perfection (e.g. I had friends over for dinner this past week; it was potluck and I only cleaned the first floor of the house instead of preparing a several course meal and cleaning the whole place.), and it’s a process I am still working on. So, it’s great to hear that other women are relaxing. In a way, it gives me permission to do the same.
Thank you for the wonderful quotes too. As a quilter, the second one is particularly appealing.
September 5th, 2006 at 5:26 pm
I certainly hope we are all starting to relax! I just became mom of my third, and as a full-time work-outside-the-home mom, everyone was telling me it can’t be done. While I plan to prove them wrong, I also recognize that I won’t (and can’t) be 100% perfect mom and perfect employee, nevermind perfect wife, friend, daughter, sister, etc. But I am happy to do the best I can do for myself and my family.
September 5th, 2006 at 8:43 pm
People tell me all the time that I’m crazy for doing all the things I do. Yes, I’ll be glad when the dissertation’s done and I can get that stress out of my life. But you know, I like it. And I don’t really work that much on the weekends. I spend maybe 2 hours on the dissertation before everyone gets up. I wanted to teach, so I did and yeah, that might add an hour or two to my weekend work, but so be it. And no, I’m not going to be perfect at anything. The kids seem happy. I’m happy. Mr. Geeky’s happy, so it’s cool.
The big thing in our house is family dinners. We eat together almost every night even if it’s only sandwiches. Nothing else really matters that much.
September 5th, 2006 at 8:43 pm
Great post, and I really appreciate those two quotes. I feel very much the same way about not trying to do everything perfectly, and instead settling for okay on some things. It’s liberating!
September 5th, 2006 at 11:08 pm
I wonder sometimes why I am so driven to be a perfectionist. I swear I used to be an underachiever! But once I entered the work world, I quickly learned that I got more pats on the head (and raises, promotions) when I worked hard. For me, the cycle of work and reward in the workplace turned me into somewhat of a workaholic.
I’m often proud of myself for stepping back from my career to raise my kids. If I hadn’t, I’d probably be working myself into the ground trying to maintain an impossible standard at work and at home. I’m sure my relationships (both with co-workers and family members) would suffer.
I applaud your attitude and find it extremely comendable. The balance you have certainly didn’t come easily to me.
September 6th, 2006 at 9:20 am
Is your husband still a stay at home dad? He’s a big help, too, right? 😉
I left the paid work force not because I couldn’t do either thing perfectly, but because I couldn’t do all of it even remotely adequately. I made less than the babysitter, I was teaching classes with two hours of sleep, and my kid wasn’t talking.
September 7th, 2006 at 12:13 pm
The Bateson quotes are fabulous. I, too, do it “all” with the help of a partner who stays home with the kids (right now, though he’s looking for work). I do think that a family with two demanding full-time jobs and kids can be difficult, if not impossible, to handle. We have done it from time to time and it’s not easy. But then again we don’t clean the house. Occasionally we (I) pay a bill late. But mostly it works. I like the idea of rejecting forced choices. I might have made full professor by now if I hadn’t had kids, or a husband; he might have a full-time job and benefits (sigh) if I hadn’t had both. But all in all the choices we’ve made (and almost all have been jointly made, though some have been forced) have been worth it for both us and the kids.
Now to look for the Sher book. Thanks for the tip.
September 12th, 2006 at 11:11 pm
I have two kids — one of whom is special needs. And — gasp! — both I and my husband work full-time outside the home. I am deeply committed to my marriage, my kids, and my career. I spend a lot of time and energy trying to let go of the Perfect Mom myth, and a lot of time worrying over my parenting and kids — so it would be great if family, friends and especially strangers would keep their criticisms to themselves. I do enough all by myself, thank you.
I wonder why people who wouldn’t think of openly criticizing another’s marriage feel free to criticize another’s parenting?
December 3rd, 2008 at 4:51 am
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