Our thoughts about work and family are strongly shaped by the choices that we have made. Books and articles are tested against our own experiences to see if their findings ring true. So, as I begin this blog, I feel that I should describe some of my choices, laying my cards on the table.
I am a working mother to young children — 3 1/2 years and 10 months as of this writing. I work full-time, but not especially long hours — it’s rare that I’m not able to leave my desk by 5.30. I’m a civil service (e.g. not political) employee of the federal government. [And in case it isn’t screamingly obvious, this blog in no way represents the official position of the Federal Government.]
So, if you see the world of mothers as divided into those who are at-home and those who work for pay, I’m firmly in the working camp. But, if you see the world of families as divided into those who have an at-home parent, and those who don’t, we’re on the other side — my husband quit his job when I returned to work after my first maternity leave, and has been a full-time at-home dad ever since. So my perspective on these issues is a bit different from most.
It’s often hard to talk about our parenting choices and why we think they’re the right ones without casting subtle (or not-so-subtle) aspersions on people who have made different choies, but I’m going to try. Let me start by saying that I think we’ve made the right choice, for us, for now, but I don’t think there’s a single right choice for everyone, for all times. (This isn’t just a wishy-washy plea for tolerance, but a general statement of principle, which has implications when we start talking about policies to support families — but I’ll get into that another day.)
So why did we choose this arrangement? I never really considered staying home full-time myself. I don’t think I’d be very happy doing it. The social isolation, the repetition, the impossibility of ever completing a project (food gets eaten, diapers, dishes, clothes and floors all get redirtied), my own absurdly high standards, all would have driven me crazy. While I was home on maternity leave with my older son, I found myself counting the hours until my husband would come home. I’m sure I would have gotten more relaxed and happier with practice, but it wasn’t something I was burning to do.
And my husband really wanted to do it. He’s got the temperament to handle it, and he’s good at it. And he was bored and frustrated with his job, and was really only doing it for the paycheck. Unlike many at-home parents, he was earning more than enough to pay for high quality child care, but it still seemed crazy to us for him to keep working at a job that was meaningless to him, in order to pay for someone else to care for our child.
Some people believe that parental care is inherently better for kids than any child care (cf Caitlin Flanagan). I’m not so sure — I think there are good parents and not-so-good parents and good child care settings and not-so-good child care settings. I think my husband does a terrific job taking care of our boys, but I also think that we know enough about child care options and have enough money that if we decided to keep working we’d probably be able to find an excellent provider or center. But our lives would be that much more stressful and hectic.
In re-reading this, I feel like I keep harping on how much money we have. We’re not rich, certainly not compared to most professionals. But I’m overwhelmingly aware of how the money we have gives us choices that just aren’t there for the vast majority of Americans. Another theme that I’m sure will be recurring in this blog.
